You know you’re from Upstate New York when…

  • TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
  • You think everyone from the city has an accent
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports
  • You think the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
  • You think that mosquitoes have landing lights
  • You think the start of deer hunting season should be a national holiday
  • You head south to go to your cottage
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper
  • You’ve ever kept food cold by putting it on the back porch
  • The mayor greets you on the street by your first name
  • There is only one shopping plaza in town
  • You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots
  • You can play road hockey on skates
  • Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout
  • The municipality buys a Zamboni before a school bus
  • They build a new store right in front of a vacant one of the same size.
  • You try to go out to dinner at 8:30 PM and everyone’s already closed.
  • You can go to any mall on Saturday and see at least 5 people you either work with, went to school with or dated.
  • You wake up from a deep sleep, look at the clock and see that it’s 6:00 but you have no idea whether it’s AM or PM.
  • A flagpole strung with white lights seems like an acceptable alternative to a municipal Christmas tree.
  • Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
  • Half the television channels you get are Canadian, eh.
  • From May to October there is a festival every weekend celebrating a different fruit, vegetable, or agricultural product.
  • The sound of a hard “a” doesn’t bother you.
  • You complain that the bars downtown are filled with “SUNY kids.”
  • You’re shocked by housing prices everywhere else on the planet.
  • When your college friends made fun of “townies,” you empathized with the townies.
  • You saw Vanessa Williams when she made local appearances as Miss Greater Syracuse.
  • You know where to find parking spaces in Skaneateles.
  • You’ve actually heard of Skaneateles.
  • You know where to find free parking spaces in downtown Syracuse.
  • You’re surprised that people from other parts of the country know nothing about lacrosse.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
  • “Vacation” means going to Rochester for the weekend.
  • You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
  • You use a down comforter in the summer.
  • Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
  • You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
  • You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
  • You live in a house with no front steps and the front door is 3 feet above the ground.
  • You believe that “down south” means Maryland.
  • You experience spring as three days and a weekend that rains.
  • If your car ever appeared to be salt white.
  • If your car ever froze solid and you couldn’t open the doors.
  • If you ever had to say, “No, I am not from the city.”
  • If you think that Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany are big cities.
  • If you still use winter tires in May.
  • If you describe the size of Lake effect snow using both hands.
  • If you describe the size of Real Buffalo Wings using both hands.
  • If you do most of your holiday shopping at Wegmans.
  • You suffer a heart attack while shoveling snow out of your driveway.
  • You become irritated with “flatlanders” who think that Upstate New York consists only of Westchester and Rockland counties.
  • You know the local meaning of the term “flatlander,” and that the proper use of the word is as an insult.

On matters gastronomical…

  • You only own three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.
  • You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
  • At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
  • You know what “Salt Potatoes” are, and that they are obtainable all year long from Wegmans.
  • Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Genny Light and a bucket of Buffalo wings.
  • You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and wings.
  • Your first beer was a Genny “Red Eye.”
  • You used to think Genny Cream was a “good beer.”
  • You remember Utica Club Cream Ale.
  • You don’t know what grits are.

On matters meteorological…

  • It can be 70 degrees one day, below freezing the next, and you think nothing of it.
  • You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and construction.
  • You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
  • You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
  • You’ve gone trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
  • There’s an 800 number to report a pothole in the road.
  • Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
  • You find -20F a little chilly.
  • People actually cheer when it appears that we are about to break the all-time seasonal snow-fall record of 192.2 inches.
  • You woke up extra early to predict the probability of snow days.

And the most likely indicator that you are from Upstate New York is:

You actually ‘get’ these jokes.