- TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
- You think everyone from the city has an accent
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports
- You think the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
- You think that mosquitoes have landing lights
- You think the start of deer hunting season should be a national holiday
- You head south to go to your cottage
- You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper
- You’ve ever kept food cold by putting it on the back porch
- The mayor greets you on the street by your first name
- There is only one shopping plaza in town
- You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots
- You can play road hockey on skates
- Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a school bus
- They build a new store right in front of a vacant one of the same size.
- You try to go out to dinner at 8:30 PM and everyone’s already closed.
- You can go to any mall on Saturday and see at least 5 people you either work with, went to school with or dated.
- You wake up from a deep sleep, look at the clock and see that it’s 6:00 but you have no idea whether it’s AM or PM.
- A flagpole strung with white lights seems like an acceptable alternative to a municipal Christmas tree.
- Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
- Half the television channels you get are Canadian, eh.
- From May to October there is a festival every weekend celebrating a different fruit, vegetable, or agricultural product.
- The sound of a hard “a” doesn’t bother you.
- You complain that the bars downtown are filled with “SUNY kids.”
- You’re shocked by housing prices everywhere else on the planet.
- When your college friends made fun of “townies,” you empathized with the townies.
- You saw Vanessa Williams when she made local appearances as Miss Greater Syracuse.
- You know where to find parking spaces in Skaneateles.
- You’ve actually heard of Skaneateles.
- You know where to find free parking spaces in downtown Syracuse.
- You’re surprised that people from other parts of the country know nothing about lacrosse.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
- “Vacation” means going to Rochester for the weekend.
- You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
- You use a down comforter in the summer.
- Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
- You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
- You live in a house with no front steps and the front door is 3 feet above the ground.
- You believe that “down south” means Maryland.
- You experience spring as three days and a weekend that rains.
- If your car ever appeared to be salt white.
- If your car ever froze solid and you couldn’t open the doors.
- If you ever had to say, “No, I am not from the city.”
- If you think that Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica and Albany are big cities.
- If you still use winter tires in May.
- If you describe the size of Lake effect snow using both hands.
- If you describe the size of Real Buffalo Wings using both hands.
- If you do most of your holiday shopping at Wegmans.
- You suffer a heart attack while shoveling snow out of your driveway.
- You become irritated with “flatlanders” who think that Upstate New York consists only of Westchester and Rockland counties.
- You know the local meaning of the term “flatlander,” and that the proper use of the word is as an insult.
On matters gastronomical…
- You only own three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
- At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
- You know what “Salt Potatoes” are, and that they are obtainable all year long from Wegmans.
- Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Genny Light and a bucket of Buffalo wings.
- You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and wings.
- Your first beer was a Genny “Red Eye.”
- You used to think Genny Cream was a “good beer.”
- You remember Utica Club Cream Ale.
- You don’t know what grits are.
On matters meteorological…
- It can be 70 degrees one day, below freezing the next, and you think nothing of it.
- You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and construction.
- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You’ve gone trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
- There’s an 800 number to report a pothole in the road.
- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
- You find -20F a little chilly.
- People actually cheer when it appears that we are about to break the all-time seasonal snow-fall record of 192.2 inches.
- You woke up extra early to predict the probability of snow days.
And the most likely indicator that you are from Upstate New York is:
You actually ‘get’ these jokes.